Effing Dykes Presents: Just What Lies Below (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle

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Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO HEAR A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your friend. Everyone had gotten your own buddy? Great. Hold on fast towards friend’s hand.

‘Cause that is a true story.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, when I was so newly gay I didn’t even understand I Found Myself freshly gay…

An older lesbians who now-defunct queer bar called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became totally just truth be told there to dancing)


gave me some advice:

1)


Never ever open a combined bank account along with your enthusiast



2)


Do not fake orgasms



3)


Make certain a lady’s nails tend to be clean.

The a good idea lesbian was a student in her belated 40’s, an age bracket up to now far from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t actually envision what it should be want to be very ancient.

Just how sad, I thought. Right here she’s at a bar and she is old. I’m hoping I really don’t end depressed like their.

Isn’t really it enjoyable becoming the biggest market of your personal world?

What somewhat shit I became.

For reasons uknown, however, I was presented with from

Za’s


that night duplicating her three guidelines to my self.

When I woke right up, I was thinking of these.

It had been kind of like for the gold seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are recharged by Aslan to keep in mind The Signs.


Do not act like you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set one or more times per year.

In any event! through the years, i remembered the three life lessons the lesbian had taught myself. Her guidance produced good sense.

I never ever unsealed a combined checking account with anybody.

I never faked orgasms again after the first couple of instances used to do it, realizing I happened to be, in reality, dooming my self to a continuous period of shitty intercourse by worthwhile bad overall performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And that I always secretly examined a female’s nails before we slept together with her.

Small? Check.

No abrasive edges? Check.

Thoroughly clean? It Really Is search time.

But why, nymphos?


What is the big issue about fingernails?


What is with all the short-nailed lesbian laughs? Exactly What?

I mean, alright, I have it. It is more challenging to fuck with lengthy fingernails. You can possibly puncture a lung or something like that.

But it is perhaps not impossible. I’ve had lengthy fingernails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em is not everything difficult — you just be sure to make use of the pads of your fingers.

Why had been that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

You guys, she ended up being



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to-do some debunking.

Surely absolutely nothing could actually happen to you should you decide had gotten shagged by someone with filthy fingernails.

Then we remembered an account thus awful I’d very nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Terrible shit can happen.

This scary story involves us due to my personal good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who has seen a lot more vagina in heat than a kitty hospital on complimentary Spay Day.

Alright.

Cai


was at Miami when she came across an extremely hot femme we’re going to phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar cookies baking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had enormous gold hoops that shimmered inside light, and in addition held one of many greatest asses


Cai


had actually viewed.

She privately texted me personally a picture of

Katie

at the pool so she could boast, and that I texted back,


“i might strike that till my hand dropped off.”

Very, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that night. There were some serious drinking.

While undressing


Katie


in half-light,


Cai


noticed one thing she hadn’t truly observed prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

Indeed,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


couldn’t end the mental picture of those nails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


actually allow

Katie


shag this lady, despite the reality she typically never ever lets anybody do that. Precisely what the hell, she figured. Heading home tomorrow. Never ever see this girl again. I will get topped for every night.

Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

Something had been wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Severely, severely completely wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things had been oozing from this. When I state some after all extreme. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to visit the lady-doctor.

Because becoming supportive is what friendship is all about, whenever she told me, we mentioned,


“which means you finally had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went home, googled “the clap” and became believing that she did, undoubtedly have gonorrhea. She went, for the first time ever before


(she had been 28),


to our queer-friendly community gyno hospital.

They didn’t understand what was incorrect along with her.

They tried the lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai


was in some discomfort. She needed responses. She was indeed placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much monthly now.

So they really offered the girl an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal tears. Throughout the within her vag.

Lots and lots of tears.

Cai


was indeed ripped to shreds. The woman insides happened to be dangling in ribbons. Appeared to be crepe-paper birthday celebration designs in there.

And every thing – every final inches – ended up being infected.

It could look that when Katie made use of her fabulous lengthy fingernails provide

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, no person understood that the woman fingernails had been in addition a festering breeding soil for



microbial vaginosis

.

Awesome.

Cai


claims to have been a stone-cold leading from the time.

My personal companion wikipedia states you can acquire terrible infections from dirty fingernails. Apparently, you can find sometimes staphylococcus germs hangin’ out, that may cause everything from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna state.

That smart lesbian had been spot-on together existence classes.

Never open up a joint checking account with your enthusiast.

Never ever artificial orgasms.

And holy mummy of goodness, check a technique’s fingernails before fucking.

Or perhaps you are condemned to suffer the destiny of Cai.

THE END

I have to ask yourself, though…

Have of y’all actually obtained any such thing horrible from another girl’s hands?

Or been aware of a person that did?

Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I want solutions.